If L.A. is a Lady, I'm Not

While walking down Hollywood Blvd. this afternoon I saw a homeless man sitting on a cement block.  He wasn't wearing pants.  Or, he was, but they were ass-less.  I turned away.

Later on that same walk, I had a short conversation with a different homeless man as I passed him.  It was about the beautiful weather.  I didn't make eye contact though.

Of the twenty or so homeless people I passed today only one asked me for change.  I didn't make eye contact with any of them.

I don't know if I'm trying to ignore the problem, or give them some semblance of privacy.  I speak when spoken to, but otherwise don't acknowledge their presence.  When I see stains or random unidentified wet on the sidewalk I assume it's the urine of a homeless person.  

This is a big flaw of mine that I need help with, I think of the homeless more as animals then people.  I think of them as a unified collective rather than individuals, and when I do talk to them I talk down to them  and give myself a mental pat-on-the-back for being so forward-thinking to have exchanged three sentences about the weather with someone who lives on the street.

I don't know how to make these thoughts better within myself without the thinking itself making me a worse offender.  Like how I sometimes worry that I'm racist, because I try not to be racist.  

That even acknowledging that I have issues with people, makes me compensate for having issues, and that becomes an issue.

Follow?  I barely can.  Sorry for not making this a humor entry.  I thought the "ass-less" sentence would carry a lot further than it did.

P.S. This post title could totally be the title of another blog, another blog I don't write in regularly.  Maybe I'll make it the female-only version of this...  Yeah, I'm creating it.

done: If LA is a Lady, I'm Not

This I Believe

I believe that going to the gynecologist is hella awkward. So awkward, in fact, I had to use outdated non-regional slang just to get my point across. It’s as awkward as me using “hella” in our dope blog.

Even with the coolest, hippest, most easy-going lady doctor in the world, I get really insecure.  I shower twice before my appointment, I dab perfume on my abdomen, and I avoid "having fun" for a few days prior, because who knows if she can tell?

Once, I forgot to shave my legs and walking into her office I almost cancelled my appointment. Vanity thy name is Sarah.

There’s also the humiliation of the sex interview while I’m wearing a paper dress.

“Are you having sex?”
“No.”
“Then you don’t need a prescription for birth control?”
“Nope.”

With certain things, I like to maintain a bit of intrigue, and there’s just no mystery in that relationship. It’s a little heartbreaking.

Plus, the waiting room is full of women who are chubby and pregnant and toting kids around. I’m not jealous, I don’t want a baby, but as soon as they see my un-ringed left hand, these bitches look at me like I walked in wearing jelly sandals, and a tube top with “Slut” emblazoned across the boobs. It’s a real ‘down the nose, raised eyebrows’ look. Gee wiz, how dare I be in my early twenties and concerned about the health of my uterus? It’s only a major organ, but I suppose I’m just a big whore for even acknowledging I have a vagina right?

sigh.

As rough as it is to walk through my gyno’s door and become a blaringly non-mysterious tart; I have a slight inkling herpes and cancer would be somewhat more troubling...

As the fear-mongering news reporters were all too delighted to shout from their digital rooftops, slightly more than one in four American girls (14-19) is infected with an STD. Now, I don’t particularly enjoy using public restrooms, but like most, I often find myself in a situation where I have to. I’m not germo-phobic, but it would be just my luck if some Hannah Montana, anal-doesn’t-count tween leaves her HPV on a toilet seat for me.

Not fun. And while a pap smear isn’t a day at the movies, it also isn’t death from cervical cancer, or a certain mood killer when someday I want to have meaningless sex with a stranger. 

So while I believe that going to the gynecologist is just shy of a truly traumatic experience, I will go and be prodded and scraped. Because I also believe that my health, my life, is more important than my fears.

NPR's instantly classic essay series This I Believe

Costco: a Reflection

I always get really amped about going to Costco.

It's kinda fun. You get to show your ID to the guy at the front of the store, like you're going into a sexy nightclub or you work for a company that has a website. Then you get a to push around a giant oversized cart. It makes you feel like a little kid playing with a shopping cart at the grocery store, and you get very tempted to get a running start and ride it. But you really can't get away with that, since there's people everywhere (except in that one aisle where they sell things you'll never buy, like catapults and artificial rice substitute. Yes, they are in the same aisle).

Then you fill your cart with the groceries you'd usually buy at the grocery store, except you buy three times as many. I almost bought twenty pounds of potatoes, but then I remembered I wasn't a serf.

You can also buy CD's and DVD's, but the prices are surprisingly high. In fact, most of the time, Costco prices are among the highest anywhere for media.

There's no punchline to that. Costco's DVD prices are terrible.

And the food court! You can buy delicacies such as a crust filled with parts of a chicken. And I think they sell 2 or 3 other things too.

The best part is the checkout, because you get to see what other people bought and make assumptions about them based on their purchases. For example, the man in front of me was buying a case of Tecate, a box of 1000 latex gloves, and a 3 gallon tub of mayonnaise. He was obviously on his way to either the best party of his life, or the worst.

Then again, I was buying vodka and pens. What does that say about me? Probably that I'm a writer with a substance abuse problem, or as they call me in the industry, a "writer."

So in a way, Costco is a fun place to visit a few times a year, like Disneyland. But it's also confusing, money-draining, and there are lots of fat people standing in lines, like Disneyland. But the good news is, you leave without a sunburn.

You guys suck... not a lot, but a least a little

No posts.  Zero comments.

Seriously?!  I even asked questions!  This is like leaving me hanging for a high five, only worse because it's on the internet and the internet is forever...

So, are we going to blog? Or are we just going to let Sarah nag about the blog the way Jason nags us about writing sketches?  Yeah, now my indignation's in the third person, or should  I say Sarah's indignation is in the third person?  Shit.

I experimented with a few different opening posts, the first one I toyed with was a straight up mission statement.  But that felt control freaky, so I just tried to imply the point of it all with my first post.  

Cosmo's told me time and time again that men need things spelled out to them in direct language, that they're amazingly literal.  I thought it was all bullcrap, but way to prove Cosmo right Jason and Matt.  Way to prove stupid Cosmo right.

MISSION STATEMENT:

This blog is a place to talk about stuff we like and think other people, perhaps those of like-mind, may enjoy too.  We can also totally diss stuff if we want too.  "Stuff" can be defined as art, tv shows, movies, books, politics, clothing, family members, inventions, and appliances.  We can also include intangible elements such as ideas, emotions, or ghosts.

Feel free to add onto the mission statement, let's make it one of those organic ever-evolving mission statements that forward-thinking modern corporations like google are so fond of.  Just start effing posting.

ps: i still love you both.  just a little less.

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Somehow, in our group of friends, I've become "the one who reads the blogs". Maybe because I read a lot of blogs, maybe because Matt likes to make fun of me. Probably both. But either way that's my recent reputation: blog girl. Honestly, I thought they were all just fancy livejournal pages until I started to hear the term "blogosphere" and then I was just confused.

Anyway, here are my five most frequented "blogs":

Things I've Bought That I Love

http://mindyephron.blogspot.com/

First and favorite. Mindy Kaling (of Office fame) makes me want to be a better writer the way Helen Hunt's character makes Jack Nicholson's character want to take his meds in As Good As It Gets. She writes (bluntly and hilariously) about her favorite purchases, and occasionally mentions Office tidbits. Let my excited girlish squeals of delight be your insurance policy on bookmarking this one.

boingboing

http://boingboing.net/

They have lots of science/techy posts, but they make the ideas really accessible. Also they feature seemingly random smatterings of super interesting and fun stuff. It's a good one to surf over before cocktail parties or dates (I would assume.) A great place to get conversation starters. boingboing also has the coolest name of all the blogs I read.

Perez Hilton

http://www.perezhilton.com/

Trashy celebrity "news". He usually has it first. Best known for being insanely popular, a little bitchy, and drawing white drools of coke and cum on celebrity photos. Not funny, but just crazy enough to be interesting from a "he's a phenomenon" standpoint. Educational observations of society and celebrity culture... yeah that's why I read it.

Jezebel

http://jezebel.com/

Sort of like bitch magazine, but takes its feminism way less seriously... in a good way.  Basically, what Cosmo should be, accept not as sex-crazed.  Also there are usually great comments on articles, the readers seem to be just as interesting/informative/self-deprecating as the writers themselves, which you don't really find too often.

Mental Floss

http://www.mentalfloss.com/

I found this one because I loved the magazine so much. Mental Floss is the best magazine you've never heard of, the subscription is a little pricey but the blog is free! And unlike the mag, the blog is interactive! and linkable! So you can share with your friends! Trivia, puzzles, quizzes, fun random knowledge, they've got it all. Its fun to read for inspiration (like wikipedia with a clever/witty filter) Mental Floss is also another good one to skim before going to events where you may have think of something interesting to say.

What are some blogs you guys like? Or am I really the only one of us who reads them?